Im so scared. I'm sitting in my room alone and I;ve been great all day. super happy, went for a 4 mile run, showered, ate salmon and a nice salad...and then i dunnno....something happened.
So its my roommates birthday at midnight, 21 years old. and her brother is here, her mom and her brothers friends. And Im here with them having a great time. and we've all kinda been having some beers together, not a big deal. So since I started drinking, of course i started thinking. and this thinking has been going on since my run, i kinda freaked out on my run and freaked out by my life and future. anyway...this thought process continued. and Im scared. Im fucking scared. I dont know what I'm going to amount ot. I dont know what im good at anymore. I dont know why im living or what my purpose is. Im so scared. I dont want to live just to be alive. I want to live and make a difference. I want to live and know that when Im in heaven I can look back on this life and say Fuck yea I made a huge difference on this world and I changed so many people. right now....this isnt true. And right now, I cant even think about how Im going to accomplish that. I have no idea. im so scared. I dont want this life of mine to be worthless and Im scared its going to be. I know i can accomplish amazing things and i know im smart and I know im good with people and i know that i can make a difference...but im not. im not changing anything. im just here. and i cant handle it any longer. i need to change like now. i hate it...i hate who i have become. i dont even think i know myself right now. this campus sucks. the people are terrible. they are so closed minded and they...wow that is such an awful thing to say. because there are amazing people here and i just have to find them. and i ahve. and i know there are more of them. i need to wake up and realize im here for a purpose, thats why god put me here. so no matter what happens, i know god does seriously love me and that i DO have a reason for being here. i just have to find it. and i will. thats that.
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