Maybe it was because I went for a run yesterday.
Maybe it was because Mike crocheted me a sweet hat.
Maybe it was because I caught up on sleep.
Maybe it was because I watched its always sunny last night...and Hocus Pocus
Maybe it was because I wrote in my book about people I love.
Whatever the reason was, I woke up genuinely happy this morning. I was groggy at first, but then I got up and I was stoked to be alive. I shot the shit with Amanda in the bathroom just laughing and getting ready for the day and it made me so happy. I had a cup of coffee, and there was no milk to put in it, but I didn't care. Because I was happy. And the cool thing about it? I knew I was happy. I felt it inside of me.
I don't know what clicked today but I just realized a thing a two and I don't know how I did it. But I figured out my problem. And Mike, if you were ever to read this, I want you to know that I do love you, but part of my sadness was because I have been spending too much time with you. No, it is not because you make me sad but it is because being with you has taken away my individuality. That part of me that is...well me. I haven't been spending time with my other friends and I have been engulfing myself in just you. Sure I do love it, obviously I do. But theres a hole in me and its the lack of my other friends.
I have always been the type of person who surrounds myself with a very diverse group of people, all who define me, make me who I am and affect my life. It is people who make me happy in this world. It literally has nothing to do with where I am, what I am doing, how shitty anything might be...No. Everything is perfect if I am with the right people. And although I do love being around you, I can't all the time. I have my friends who were my life before you and they made me so happy. A boyfriend to me is not my life, it is someone who cares about me, helps me grow, loves me, yet doesn't over take my life. You are doing that to me which of course is not your fault. I guess thats the "honeymoon phase" when I didn't even realize there were other people on this campus besides you. I just can't let it go on anymore because it is taking away all the time I have for others who bring me utter and complete happiness.
However, I am happy I have realized this because I know now how to change it. And this realization sunk it over night which is why I woke up so happy this morning. Because I figured out my problem and I know the solution. So tonight I will talk to you about it and it might not make you entirely happy, but I think I will finally be happy again. This might be selfish, but its what I need.
Mahlees, I know you will figure it out. And I know you say its the people who are not bringing you happiness like they used to. However, I believe we need to start looking other places and for other people. We were so happy because we were with new people all the time and learning about them. You LOVE learning about people, asking them questions, diving into their brains. It is time you start doing that again. Branch out because I know you are so good at it. And I dont mean find new girls in your house, go to new places and do new things. It is incredible the kinds of people you will find you never knew you would. Be the girl you were in Bilbao. Come back from your day and tell me you met an old man in a coffee shop who told you stories of his past. Start talking to a stranger in your class (That's how I met my best friend...Danny). We are surrounded by incredible people and we need to start finding them. Because I truly believe our sadness is only caused by not having the right people by our sides...thats why we were so damn happy everyday abroad: because of the people. However, it can be achieved here, we just have to try.
So even though the day might be shitty, just remember theres someone else out there who wants you to be a part of their life. You completely changed my life and have become a part of my heart and soul. Without that part, I literally wouldn't be the person I am today. Think about that.
You have made me who I am. So go and make someone else even more incredible. Because that is exactly what you did for me.
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