So I still havent read that blog from yesterday, I was at a bit of a low point there I think...I know after I wrote it I continued getting lower and went to a bar with my roommate for her 21st, but then I found myself crying at the bar. I dont know, something is definitely off right now. I'm having a really hard time because I usually always ask my parents for advice but I'm a little scared to right now. I dont think my mom know how to give good advice and she doesnt every really listen to I feel like. Well I know she does, but she doesnt seem to know how to respond to it. It's so hard because I want to talk to her, I know she can help me but I dont know how to do it. I don't think she will really listen to me. I think this weekend will be a good time to talk with my dad. Its dads weekend so I will get some quality time with him and hopefully he can help me. He is a very smart man and has a lot of wisdom, I just need to figure it out and I need his help...I know it.

I dont exactly know what is wrong right now, I just am in a rut that I cant seem to figure out. I'm mainly stuck because I dont have the passions I used to in my life and its really bad for me. However, i just applied to be a gamma chi which kinda made me happy. And I dunno, I just have to keep busy I think and this kinda stuff helps.

I can do it. Just one day at a time.

i hate it

Im so scared. I'm sitting in my room alone and I;ve been great all day. super happy, went for a 4 mile run, showered, ate salmon and a nice salad...and then i dunnno....something happened.

So its my roommates birthday at midnight, 21 years old. and her brother is here, her mom and her brothers friends. And Im here with them having a great time. and we've all kinda been having some beers together, not a big deal. So since I started drinking, of course i started thinking. and this thinking has been going on since my run, i kinda freaked out on my run and freaked out by my life and future. anyway...this thought process continued. and Im scared. Im fucking scared. I dont know what I'm going to amount ot. I dont know what im good at anymore. I dont know why im living or what my purpose is. Im so scared. I dont want to live just to be alive. I want to live and make a difference. I want to live and know that when Im in heaven I can look back on this life and say Fuck yea I made a huge difference on this world and I changed so many people. right now....this isnt true. And right now, I cant even think about how Im going to accomplish that. I have no idea. im so scared. I dont want this life of mine to be worthless and Im scared its going to be. I know i can accomplish amazing things and i know im smart and I know im good with people and i know that i can make a difference...but im not. im not changing anything. im just here. and i cant handle it any longer. i need to change like now. i hate it...i hate who i have become. i dont even think i know myself right now. this campus sucks. the people are terrible. they are so closed minded and they...wow that is such an awful thing to say. because there are amazing people here and i just have to find them. and i ahve. and i know there are more of them. i need to wake up and realize im here for a purpose, thats why god put me here. so no matter what happens, i know god does seriously love me and that i DO have a reason for being here. i just have to find it. and i will. thats that.

Funny how happiness can be covered by happiness

Maybe it was because I went for a run yesterday.
Maybe it was because Mike crocheted me a sweet hat.
Maybe it was because I caught up on sleep.
Maybe it was because I watched its always sunny last night...and Hocus Pocus
Maybe it was because I wrote in my book about people I love.

Whatever the reason was, I woke up genuinely happy this morning. I was groggy at first, but then I got up and I was stoked to be alive. I shot the shit with Amanda in the bathroom just laughing and getting ready for the day and it made me so happy. I had a cup of coffee, and there was no milk to put in it, but I didn't care. Because I was happy. And the cool thing about it? I knew I was happy. I felt it inside of me.

I don't know what clicked today but I just realized a thing a two and I don't know how I did it. But I figured out my problem. And Mike, if you were ever to read this, I want you to know that I do love you, but part of my sadness was because I have been spending too much time with you. No, it is not because you make me sad but it is because being with you has taken away my individuality. That part of me that is...well me. I haven't been spending time with my other friends and I have been engulfing myself in just you. Sure I do love it, obviously I do. But theres a hole in me and its the lack of my other friends.

I have always been the type of person who surrounds myself with a very diverse group of people, all who define me, make me who I am and affect my life. It is people who make me happy in this world. It literally has nothing to do with where I am, what I am doing, how shitty anything might be...No. Everything is perfect if I am with the right people. And although I do love being around you, I can't all the time. I have my friends who were my life before you and they made me so happy. A boyfriend to me is not my life, it is someone who cares about me, helps me grow, loves me, yet doesn't over take my life. You are doing that to me which of course is not your fault. I guess thats the "honeymoon phase" when I didn't even realize there were other people on this campus besides you. I just can't let it go on anymore because it is taking away all the time I have for others who bring me utter and complete happiness.

However, I am happy I have realized this because I know now how to change it. And this realization sunk it over night which is why I woke up so happy this morning. Because I figured out my problem and I know the solution. So tonight I will talk to you about it and it might not make you entirely happy, but I think I will finally be happy again. This might be selfish, but its what I need.


Mahlees, I know you will figure it out. And I know you say its the people who are not bringing you happiness like they used to. However, I believe we need to start looking other places and for other people. We were so happy because we were with new people all the time and learning about them. You LOVE learning about people, asking them questions, diving into their brains. It is time you start doing that again. Branch out because I know you are so good at it. And I dont mean find new girls in your house, go to new places and do new things. It is incredible the kinds of people you will find you never knew you would. Be the girl you were in Bilbao. Come back from your day and tell me you met an old man in a coffee shop who told you stories of his past. Start talking to a stranger in your class (That's how I met my best friend...Danny). We are surrounded by incredible people and we need to start finding them. Because I truly believe our sadness is only caused by not having the right people by our sides...thats why we were so damn happy everyday abroad: because of the people. However, it can be achieved here, we just have to try.

So even though the day might be shitty, just remember theres someone else out there who wants you to be a part of their life. You completely changed my life and have become a part of my heart and soul. Without that part, I literally wouldn't be the person I am today. Think about that.
You have made me who I am. So go and make someone else even more incredible. Because that is exactly what you did for me.

Why do old men make me so happy?

This morning I woke up a little confused. I had a lot of weird dreams that had put me in a really weird mood and I wasn't entirely sure what was goin on. However, I left and went to the book store because I had to get some homework finished...see I never bought the book for this history class but I had some homework in the book. So in order to save money, I went to the store and read my homework while trying to pretend I was just checking out some different books. In fact I was cheating the book store and not buying the book...Anyways while I'm doing this illegal, covert mission, this man that worked at the store started talking to me. He was this cute man and was extremely nice. The conversation went something like this:

"Hi there miss, would you need me to help you with something?"
"No sir, I'm just looking around"
"You have the most lovely hair, did you know that?"
"Oh than you so much, I really appreciate it"
"Have you been to Ireland?"
"Yes I have! I've been there three times now"
"Oh wonderful, I have been there, did you rent a car?"
"When I went with my family I did and we did a lot of sight seeing"
"How wonderful. Did you manage to see Dublin?"
"Yes I did, it was great there."
"Pretty expensive though, huh?"
"Yea, it cost a lot to do anything"

Looking back on this simple conversation, I was quickly reading a segment about slave trade in the 1800s Africa and was trying to show this man I didn't have much time to talk. However, I wish I had taken an extra minute to enjoy his company. Had I been in Spain, I would have been thrilled to have an old man talking to me. It amazes me how much I used to try and communicate with everyone and anyone when I was in Spain...I miss that passion I used to have with talking to strangers. Probably because I loved the challenge of talking to Spanish. English just isnt as interesting....

However, I went to class after this. My first class is in an Art museum on campus and everyday there is a guard there that lets people in and keeps an eye on who enters and exits. He's a charming old man and I always give him a nice smile and a nod. Ocassionally we say hello. This morning, he greeting me with a wide smile and said "Good morning!" in a very cheerful matter. I responded equally as happy and said "Good morning to you too!" He said back "And what a good morning it is, especially being a Monday. Enjoy class" "Thank you," I responded.

I walked away with a huge grin on my face because I hadn't really thought of it as being a great day until he said something to me. It cheered me up greatly because sometimes you have to be reminded that each day is a gift and that each day is equally, if not more wonderful than the last day. This is something that we all need to remember, especially me and you Malia. Each day is wonderful because we are alive. We can't forget that :)