So I still havent read that blog from yesterday, I was at a bit of a low point there I think...I know after I wrote it I continued getting lower and went to a bar with my roommate for her 21st, but then I found myself crying at the bar. I dont know, something is definitely off right now. I'm having a really hard time because I usually always ask my parents for advice but I'm a little scared to right now. I dont think my mom know how to give good advice and she doesnt every really listen to I feel like. Well I know she does, but she doesnt seem to know how to respond to it. It's so hard because I want to talk to her, I know she can help me but I dont know how to do it. I don't think she will really listen to me. I think this weekend will be a good time to talk with my dad. Its dads weekend so I will get some quality time with him and hopefully he can help me. He is a very smart man and has a lot of wisdom, I just need to figure it out and I need his help...I know it.

I dont exactly know what is wrong right now, I just am in a rut that I cant seem to figure out. I'm mainly stuck because I dont have the passions I used to in my life and its really bad for me. However, i just applied to be a gamma chi which kinda made me happy. And I dunno, I just have to keep busy I think and this kinda stuff helps.

I can do it. Just one day at a time.

i hate it

Im so scared. I'm sitting in my room alone and I;ve been great all day. super happy, went for a 4 mile run, showered, ate salmon and a nice salad...and then i dunnno....something happened.

So its my roommates birthday at midnight, 21 years old. and her brother is here, her mom and her brothers friends. And Im here with them having a great time. and we've all kinda been having some beers together, not a big deal. So since I started drinking, of course i started thinking. and this thinking has been going on since my run, i kinda freaked out on my run and freaked out by my life and future. anyway...this thought process continued. and Im scared. Im fucking scared. I dont know what I'm going to amount ot. I dont know what im good at anymore. I dont know why im living or what my purpose is. Im so scared. I dont want to live just to be alive. I want to live and make a difference. I want to live and know that when Im in heaven I can look back on this life and say Fuck yea I made a huge difference on this world and I changed so many people. right now....this isnt true. And right now, I cant even think about how Im going to accomplish that. I have no idea. im so scared. I dont want this life of mine to be worthless and Im scared its going to be. I know i can accomplish amazing things and i know im smart and I know im good with people and i know that i can make a difference...but im not. im not changing anything. im just here. and i cant handle it any longer. i need to change like now. i hate it...i hate who i have become. i dont even think i know myself right now. this campus sucks. the people are terrible. they are so closed minded and they...wow that is such an awful thing to say. because there are amazing people here and i just have to find them. and i ahve. and i know there are more of them. i need to wake up and realize im here for a purpose, thats why god put me here. so no matter what happens, i know god does seriously love me and that i DO have a reason for being here. i just have to find it. and i will. thats that.